Winter Holiday 2008

I am back at home, and have been for the past three weeks. Its been a little awkward, since I don't know what to do around my folks. My parent reunited (they never split unofficial, but were giving each other the silent treatment), but I am still having issues with their dilemma. I have kind of kept distant, but in the next 2 days, I will be far away in Ethiopia...so space is no concern. Some good things have happened these past three weeks. I spoke to PAM! yeah! She has been absent from my life for a long time, but we finally spoke. It was a relief to hear her voice. We did not actually meet up, but I heard her voice. Another cool thing is I found a long lost gift. I knew I always had it, but now I know I have it...it relaxes me to know that it is always close by. haha! Finally I have made numerous friendship bracelets. About 3o. My hope is to make on for every orphan at the Layla house in Ethiopia. I have 120 to go...yikes! I have also been keeping myself busy with all the scholarship, and internship essays due in February. And since i will be gone till April, I have been doing it all now. almost done!!!!
The internship in Ethiopia is exciting. I am finally getting out of here...far away. It has been 6 years in the waiting. I can't wait to leave and see the world. I will have to through three airports...and I hate airports. After the Denver airport experience, which was after 9/11 I feel watched and watched for my every step. I am dreading this part of the journey. However, I am excited about the Layla House. I know I will make the most out of the trip. I am trying not to have expectations, so I can just thoroughly enjoy my time with the kids.
My friends from college have been oh so very nice. Rachel send me 3 mixed CDs with some of our favorite music...very thoughtful! I am sure it will be a great pleasure to listen to on the 16 hour flight. I know will miss the Cougs (jenny, rachel, amelie, anna and caitlyn) but I need this journet to regain perspective on my being, my goals and identity. It will be helpful to have this new experience.
Anna has connected me with a family friend in Addis Ababa name Alula (alex). He sounds very enthusiastic about meeting up with him and his friends. He seems like a very genuine guy. I am excited what he has to show us about his home country!!!!
Its been a very up and down holiday season. It snowed 1 ft. Trapped in the house. Christmas was just another day, and tonight (new year's eve) will be just another night, but day after tomorrow...i will be on my way out...out of salem, out of Oregon, out of the USA, and to a new and unkown culture....its finally here...yeah!!!!!

A Lost Soul

Last night I came upon some sad and horrible news. A friend and high school mentor had passed on. He wasn't a close friend, in fact other than being Thespians and Peer Mentors we never really hung out. But we had good times...laughing, playing around the basement of SSHS with all the other peer mentors and acting on the Theater stage. We had good times together. He, Ben Gerling, was a jovial, upbeat and a kind hearted soul. I remember him being super nice and welcoming to everyone, and was all ways the heart of the party. Whoever he was with, he made them smile...including me. His passing was in May... We weren't in touch other than facebook, and I didn't really hang out with him since our lives took different paths after high school. But I have to say, that this news has impacted me deeply. I remember hearing about through the grapevine, but thought it was just an absurd rumor. But now, I know its the truth. I think I was not ready to deal with it earlier, since it hits close to home. Knowing that such a inspiring person can be in such trouble and pain and no one knew...including me. His departure isn't unnoticed, and his presence will always be with us...always. He was an active man...ROTC-airforce, Phi Delta Theta Fraternity and was senior at Oregon State, just a few weeks shy of graduation. A man of his word and lived what he valued...a man that everyone should srtive to be. His absences just makes me a little more confused, and more of a lost soul.

Ben- I shed a few tears, cried a little stream, but in the end I came out smiling...just i always did when I was with you...it always has been smiles, and everytime I think of you, it will be just so. I am blessed and thankful that I had the chance to be part of your life. Om Mani Padme Hum!

An Eventful Weekend

It has been a fantastic weekend. Quite stressful, but yet eventful. I help raise 1250 dollars for the AIDS treatment cause in Rwanda, in honor of Worlds AIDS Day. I wrote 27 pages for three different classes, and crocheted 3 hats. Also taught Amelie how to crochet. It was legitimately a productive weekend. Now I am done with finals, and have four months of interning in Ethiopia ahead of me. No paper, no exams and no homework...just working in my passion. I can't wait...hopefully my check from Bill Gates will come before i leave...or i am pretty screwed. woops!
All i have left is to pack up and move out of 1518 Kincaid...and say bye to all me friends. SAD!

Seperation...Divorce...

The title suggest something legal...but right now its still informal. The house is silent...ama on one end listening to the oldies of India/Nepal, and on the end Buwa tweaking his resume for future jobs. And Raj, in the middle of all things, just as clueless as I last saw him. Something happened, and no one is talking. Awkward, yet emotional. I don't know who to talk to, or even what to do. Legal action will never be taken, that would blasphemous to the culture, but yet its already damaging the atmosphere. They talk but to me and not each other. I have probed and poked, but not a word. Silence pierced the air like a thousand cymbols clashing in untimely manner creating a constant, unavoidalbe ringing behind all the facades. All in all it wasn't a too bad of a Thanksgiving.

I mean i did have fun with the fam. We made food...pizza, cheese cake, pecan pie, couli flower, rice, chicken (my fav) and whole bunch more. I crocheted, watched a lot of movies, and hung out with Raj. I shopped in the store we own. Since it is closing I was able to pick out whatever I wanted...15 scarves, 3 trousers, 5 skirts, and a pouch full of sterling silver and jewled jewelery. I hugn out with Raj, after the longest time of his constant NOs. We watch Transporter 3 together...it was nice to have him around. It was an unoffical dasai, christmas, and birthday combined. I also got the trench coal my folks bought me...i like it...a lot....

but... there was a silence through out the whole holiday. And yet it causing a lot of noise in my paranoid mind. Two weeks from now I will be back home, and I hope the silence will have passed. It will never be legal, but its still there, presenting and unfolding itself uncomfortably. I don't know what to do if it doesn't heal by then...I love them - all of them...and I don't know what to do. At the moment I am back at college...living a different life. Its an escape, but yet I feel guilty for having this escape. Its an escape none of them can have. But yet...I wish they experienced it too. But life isn't what we want...hopefully in two weeks, I'll have what i want out of life - noise.

Am I Hormonal?

These days I have been taking things a little personally. I have broken down into tears three times in two weeks. Generally I can go a month without shedding a drop, but lately it hasn't been the case. Maybe this part of my maturity growth spurt that I have been waiting for. Generally, I am a little immature and funky with the peeps, but I have realized that I am trying to hide behind my-not-so-funny humor. And in that realization, I have become vulnerable. My friends, love them to death, have never had to face a serious issue about me. I have been there for there ups and downs, break ups and so on...but I tend to try to keep things light hearted. There is always the joker in the group, that gets a rude awakening...and I think that is me. Every little thing people say to me I feel like I take it personally, especially when the talking is behind my back. I know that people gossip in a sorority. Its the naturally order when a 100 girls live under one roof. But to have an issue with me and not discuss it with me justs hurts. I know I am messy, I know I am all over the place, just ask me to clean and I will. I know its not their duty...but to discuss it when I am not in the room just hurts. simple as that.
Also, when my really close friends call me out, in PUBLIC, because generally that is funny, it is not FUNNY. I have a face to maintain...yeah i may be goofy and crazy but I have boundaries. It may be joke amongst us, but to others and new acquaintances...its not that funny. And then to say SORRY five seconds later isn't funny.
Then this weekend, I helped put together a party...and I was left hosting the event when the people of the house, and my dear friends abandoned ship. It wasn't to bad...but I was left by myself. I thought I was gonna hang with them all night. I feel like when I have put my all into their ups and downs, the can put a little into my downs too.
I guess my attitude is changing...and I wish it wouldn't be this hormonal...haha! Maybe I should be taken a little more seriously. Just because I don't have boy drama or issues, doesn't mean I don't have insight, opinions, or emotions.

IT MATTERS!

From my last post, you can see that I am a little preoccupied by my identity. It doesn't bother me to keep it inside, but when I try to give my completely white friends an insight by sharing my feelings I feel they should give me respect by listening. I am not asking them to relate, but to hear me out. I am there for their troubles, their issues, their dilemmas. But the minute I turn a little serious, and am not my normal obnoxious self...I am not given the time to be heard. Last night Jenny(my bosom buddy) and I had very therapeutic talk, that enabled me to open up and breathe. She has a calming and insightful way about her, which always centers my thoughts. But then today I am shut up-ed with a single sentence by another friend...the sentence being..."that doesn't matter."I was telling my friend about how my abroad experience in Ethiopia is going to be different from the other blond , blued eyed intern. And her response - "that doesn't matter," without letting me finish. Are you kidding me!!!!! It matters to ME!!!! It matters when the your identity, race, ethnicity, whatever it is called is in the color of your skin. It matters when your skin color shapes the interactions and the relationships that can grow or not grown from the first encounter. It matters when you walk into a room full of blonds, and leave because of a subconscious distress. It matters when someone says, "Oh, I have a guy friend who likes Indian girls." Excuse me, can guys only like Indian girls or none at all....and I AM NOT INDIAN! It matters when you can feel isolated, different and detached because of it. It matters when feel like an outsider in the place one calls home and it does matter when you have no one to share it with.
So do not tell me "that it doesn't matter?" BECAUSE IT DOES!!!

In Between Worlds, Cultures,and Lifestyles...

The election of Barack Obama as the future president of the USA, with the combination of Comparative Tribalism (better fitting title would be Cultural Identity) class I have been taking has made me question my identity. I am between worlds, cultures and lifestyles. I don't fit the picture of America's daughter; I don't have blue eyes, or blond hair. But I also don't fit the picture of my heritage; the obedient, dutiful daughter of Nepalese parents. Between the two I have found a path that I lead my life on. But yet I need a definition. I crave an identity, but none fits. Society has not created one for me. So where do i fit in the art of taxonomy? Who are my people? Do I have any?
Living on both sides of the world, i feel that both sides are my home, and at the same neither is mine to claim as home. I am an insider and yet and outsider in the same breath. This could be an over dramatization of my emotions, but yet I feel strongly, since it pertains to my being. It pertains to every stolen silence, every conversation, every interaction and every private moment, it clouds my thought. With the recent election, the identity of Americans has been pulled inside-out. With the first black-white president ready to take the throne, America seems to finally be represented with some cultural authenticity. Black or white doesn't represent the races, and ethnicity's of all America, but it is the start of recognition of the true American identity. The election of mixed-race present w/ more pigment than any of his fellow predecessors isn't contrived, or forced like a Safeway advertisement on a semi-truck. But is a celebration of genuine acceptance of what America really is. Obama's struggle as a black kid in Hawaii, or as white kid amongst his black friends shows the struggle America's identity. But with his election all isn't not calmed. I am still conflicted...am I American or Nepalese...or both...can I be both. The world is changing...and I am somewhere, still in between worlds, cultures and lifestyles. I am sorority girl at college, whose friends are American by the picture definition, but at the same time I am a descendant of Nepalese forefathers, a Hindu follower and cultural practitioner of my parent's homeland.
I was told today that I am obsessed with my cultural identity. But how can I not be. It surrounds me all the time. Walking down the street I have been called terrorist. Entering a classroom I am the ONE student of color. At airports or at international borders, I am watched or checked thoroughly before I show the officer the proof of my US citizenship - my passport. Each time I enter the sorority house, I am visually reinforced with the images of the picture perfect American girl. There are no mashed potatoes, a fat turkey, or a Thanksgiving grace during Thanksgiving. On Christmas there is no tree, presents, eggnog, or chimes from Santa's sleigh bells. At the same time, I am considered a foreigner in Nepal. I surprise my extended family in Nepal with my ability to speak Nepalese. There is no formal Dasai/Diwali celebrations. There are no cousins or blood relatives within a 1000 miles of me in all directions. Every death of a family member is just another tally mark of a family member I didn't get to know, and will never know. "Who was I, who shed no tears at the loss of his own?" Simply put, I am just here, between worlds, cultures and lifestyles.
Do you still think its not reasonable to be OBSESSED with my identity. When I try to share my thoughts and emotions with friends, I am told to be exaggerating my feelings, but they don't understand...they can't understand...unlike me, they can at least pass as a picture of the American dream, the dream my parents are still working for.
Obama's face is beginning to put the wheels of American's cultural identity in motion. But, at the same time, I still meandering between worlds, cultures, and lifestyles...one thing is for sure..."My identity might begin with the fact of my race, but it didn't, couldn't, end here. At least this what I choose to believe."